THE LLAMAS CRICKET CLUB

The Llamas have not played since their abysmal performance in Brightwalton LBW Hangover 6-a-side, with matches against the Jammers and Barnes lost to moist spatterings from above. Hugo is at the end of his tether (not because he’s a horse, though that is quite apt) and has called for mass rioting and looting of umbrella shops should Sunday’s game against the Rabbits be called off. There are only a few games left for the Llamas to salvage some dignity from the 2011 season: why not come and see them try this Sunday?

Don’t come because you feel like you have to watch boys play sport, come because you get to hang out with Pushy, stare at Froudy’s body, run your hands through Sam’s curls, and because there’s a Pain Quotidien on the walk to the park that makes those deliciously smug baguettes and croissants that you like so much. Please come.

For details of Sunday’s match, click here.

A new match report, so eloquently penned that it wouldn’t make it into any of Mr Murdoch’s publications, can be read HERE.

JAM: a food made by boiling fruit and sugar to a thick consistency.

MARMALADE: a clear sweetened jelly in which pieces of fruit and fruit rind are suspended.

So now you know.

After a busy weekend of mixed fortunes in which the Llamas won their yearly confidence booster and turned up an hour late without a keg of beer for the Brightwalton 6-a-side, we return to big city life this weekend for a game against the stickiest opposition we play against, the Jam and Marmalade Cricket Club. Please click for details.

After posting their 3rd loss of the season when being pummelled by Magnus McLaren’s Trojans XI, things were looking pretty bleak for a group of spitters that had not seen a streak this long since Pete’s naked days in first year.

Then, out of the blue, a win! Last year the Llamas had been beaten harder than David Haye by the Bedales bunch, but this year turned the tables to chase down a competitive total with plenty to spare. Match reports for both will follow…

And on to this weekend, which sees the 4th annual LBW. Two games of cricket, one night of debauchery and several legs of lamb.

Details can be seen HERE.

Don’t be a dick. Come along.

You can walk my path
You can wear my shoes
Let her talk like me
And be an angel too

But maybe
You ain’t never gonna feel this way
You ain’t never gonna know me
But I know you…
Teach you now that

Llamas… can only get better.

Or can they?

Two matches, two losses and surely our captain is beginning to run out of rousing motivational speeches? Not a chance.

Come to Aldermaston this Sunday to watch the Llamas get their season back on track.

We can but D:Ream.

Click for full match details

Also, another winning match report from the losing captain can be read HERE.

Game 1 of the Llamas 2011 Season saw a defeat at the hands of the Reigate Llamas, with the highlight of the match being the invasion of a streaker from a nearby pub. Perhaps inspired by the Llamas’ half-hearted performance on the pitch, this streaker put in a half-arsed performance himself, leaving his M&S fitted briefs on for his leisurely run across the pitch.

Despite the disappointing lack of nudity, an enjoyable game was played on a beautiful ground and we have been asked back next year, which is great news. The Dalai Llama‘s report can be read here.

NEXT GAME: Saturday 4th June vs Mad Ratters (click for details)

(nakedness guaranteed)

Isn’t it funny how the cricket season sneaks up on you? Billy has barely had a chance to show off his new pink shaft to the boys and suddenly we’re two weeks off a game. Ay caramba!

Two more net sessions (Weds, 7pm, Holland Park) and one “bonding” (Sun 22nd, Clapham Common) are planned before the first game of 2011 against the Reigate Llamas. Please place your orders with Thatchers, start constructing your pork pies and lock up ALL children, and check the FIXTURES section for more details.

This may be the start of something glorious. It may not be.

Either way, I’m aroused.

The following report on the first Llama net session of the year comes from the General Dogsbody Llama himself, Alex Percy:

The net surface was both pleasant to bat and bowl on, the lack of roof allowed Charlie to demonstrate his ability to spank me for two consecutive sixes, the surrounding grounds are big and open whilst being by no means deserted and the late sundown meant that when Paddy eventually turned up at 8.30 he not only had time to get changed, but bowled a couple of looseners before VF decided he’d had enough and “didn’t want to take any more of Ev’s balls to his face”.

Attendees were:

Vaughan-Fowler, Charles
Hunter-Jones, Sam
Hardy, Graham
Percy, Alex
Everett, William
Shaw-Brown, Patrick
Norton, Joe

We played from 7.00PM to 8.40PM in just the one net, with some brand new stumps delivered by a lovely little french girl and it was nice.
We then had a couple of jars of Doombar with some peanuts, cashews nuts and chips.
It was all really really nice.

This is to say that next week, we have two nets booked and hoping we’ll have at least twice as many people involved.
Deets are:

Where: Holland Park Nets (south Holland Park, near High St Ken end – nearest tube HSK)
When: Wednesday 11th May
Time: 19.00 – 21.00 (or as late as poss)
Meet: Holland Park Tube 6.40 or at the nets
Cost: 2 nets for 2 hours: £14.40 a session.

Charlie Pushman, as Llama Of The Season for the 2010 season, was given charge of the Llamas’ charitable fund to give to a charity of his choosing. This sum of money was accumulated from match fees throughout the season and Llama Pushman had this to say of his donation:

"I have decided to donate the £45.70 Llamas CC Charity Donation for 2010 season, as was my want as Llama in Season, to Cancer Research UK. This was in light of Cheese, Lind's mum and my mum all being treated for cancer during the year. I hope this decision is one that would be supported by my furry friends."

A great choice that will no doubt meet with unanimous support. Cancer Research UK were kind enough to reply as follows:

"Dear Mr Pushman

Thank you very much for your kind gift of 45.70 to support the work of Cancer Research UK.

Our work, funded entirely by supporters like you, has been at the heart of progress that has seen cancer survival rates double in the last thirty years. However, one in three of us will still get cancer at some point, and it is vital we continue to discover new ways to prevent, diagnose and treat cancer to ensure millions more people will survive."

As if the rape and pillage of one continent wasn’t enough, Llama Ward recently took it upon himself to cross the final frontier and offend the one place that thought it was safe from his wares… Antarctica.

There, he did the one thing a Spitter should do on arrival in a foreign place: PLAY CRICKET. Ward soon found himself in a familiar situation as the Umpiror Penguin flapped its wings at every ball he bowled, racking up an impressive tally of 241 wides in an otherwise faultless over. With the bat, however, Peter was ice cool, and soon sealed victory by clubbing one through the slips…

26 penguins were violated in the making of this story.